So yes, ho hum, it has been an age since I've written a blog. Mostly because I have had regular access to Facebook to share my daily musings, progress and adventures. That has changed. For the third time in five months I have unceremoniously dumped by Facebook. This is due to the fact that I have a name that sounds like it might be a fake name. So clearly I must be removed with immediate effect lest I should cyber erupt and terrorise the whole of Facebook. 

Facebook have got this wrong. The people with unusual names are the victims of this ridiculous policy. People trying to distance themselves from a danger in their past, performers trying to connect with other performers and audience members who know them by this name, people from the LGBT community trying to re-identify themselves to community that accepts them for who they are. 

I had thought about giving up, to keep my years of photos and friend connections and messages, to just say, OK you win, here is my legal name. But why should I? Facebook states that you need to use your authentic name, a name that people know you by, NOT your legal name. Yet when proving this you are asked to provide government issued ID with a photograph and date of birth. Now believe it or not Velma Von Bon Bon is not on my passport but that does't mean it is not an authentic name that I use. I have a website (right here look!) I have an equity card, I have contracts with my name and address on, I have performer passes with my name and photograph. But apparently, this is not enough and I am apparently not a real person. 

This policy is damaging. I hate how addicted to Facebook I have become, how reliant on it. But the truth is, it has made my career as a burlesque and cabaret performer. It was the easiest way to connect and share my progress, my news, and without it, I'm starting to get really down. I've had messages from people thinking I've fallen out with them as our message thread has disappeared, I'm missing out on work, I can't get back to promotors who have contacted me. I feel ostracised. I would rather pay Facebook a monthly fee to keep my profile safe than have to keep going through this ridiculous trial. I had my first appeal rejected after three attempts, I'm currently on my second appeal and on four rejections so far. I haven't heard from Facebook in three days.

The problem is, there is no humanity in this system. There is not a real person making real decisions and looking at what you have written and who you are. There is just a cold automated response with someone's name written at the bottom to make you half believe it is personal. Every rejection makes you feel like you have done something wrong. My friend shared this article with me which tells of a single individual going around and reporting anyone with a odd sounding name http://www.dailydot.com/technology/realnamepolice-facebook-real-names-policy/, dubbing anyone in violation of the name policy a "secular sodomite". Well sign me up for the secular sodomite festival, and all of us with our shameful word play. How very dare we make puns of ourselves? Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me….oh wait, yes, sorry, words are so very evil. Silly words especially. 


Today I am on my private personal profile (which I have to connect with friends and family and especially as there are young family members on there for whom it would not be appropriate to follow my cabaret career) and I see that Facebook says, celebrate friends day….seriously?! Fuck you Facebook, Fuck you for taking over a thousand of my friends away and making me feel like a dirty technological hoe bag. 

My name is my creative identity, it is the only way that people can find and connect with my burlesque persona. I don't have anything against telling people my legal name but I feel that I should have a right to privacy if I want to. I am proud of what I do but it is generally adult entertainment, it can be a bit rude. There is nothing wrong or shameful in that but I should not be forced into mixing my cabaret professional life with my personal family life if I don't want to.

So basically this is just a big rant because I feel helpless and adrift amidst a sea of automated responses, rejections and dead ends. I don't know what I'm expecting to achieve by this but I couldn't just keep quiet. It's not in my nature. I hate injustice and I feel like I (like many others facing this farcical rigmarole) have been totally injustice-ed. If you have any thoughts or similar experiences please feel free to comment below. It's not just performers, drag queens, and members of the LGBT community, this has affected Native American Indians and people from all sorts of races and countries because we are deemed to be subverting the normal accepted name

Stay safe folks, download your content. But other than that I don't know how to advise to protect yourselves. This happened to me once and I got it back. I did nothing to change my name after that and it happened again a few months later. Let's keep fighting and let us not forget, the wise words of Spike Milligan

On the Ning Nang Nong 
Where the Cows go Bong! 
and the monkeys all say BOO! 
There's a Nong Nang Ning 
Where the trees go Ping! 
And the tea pots jibber jabber joo. 
On the Nong Ning Nang 
All the mice go Clang 
And you just can't catch 'em when they do! 
So its Ning Nang Nong 
Cows go Bong! 
Nong Nang Ning 
Trees go ping 
Nong Ning Nang 
The mice go Clang 
What a noisy place to belong 
is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!! 

(By Spike Milligan)

So wow, that has to be the fastest three months of my life. I did promise weekly blog posts and I did not deliver....But I was VERY busy! But that is a poor excuse, I admit. We're ALL busy! I met the most amazing creative, hard-working people, and I feel so privileged to know each and every one of them. 

My final show has been and gone and it really was an amazing experience. As much as I love Burlesque and Cabaret, there is nothing to compare to working on a show with a group of people and being ready to launch into it as a proper team, when you are all rooting for each other. It was an intense process. On the Wednesday we got the running order and delegated set change jobs, Thursday tech, Friday dress and first show! Below is a photo of me by the lovely Megan, falling amidst an explosion of shredded paper....that was fun!

So I returned to my Liverpool home and my lovely husband and tried to keep up with training. My first full day home I was in a brand new training space at Airborn in Liverpool (www.airbornacademy.com) and I loved it! Great space, brand new equipment and really friendly management. A conversation with the lovely folks that run the space lead me to go for an audition the following Monday in front of a big Australian producer! It was fun but I'm not sure if anything will come of it, I certainly made him laugh though! (which is my main purpose in life).

Last weekend was the Morecambe Variety festival and I spent all week rehearsing "Beastonce" with Headstrung Puppet Cabaret (www.headstrung.org), rehearsing my silks act and making stilt covers and steampunk goggles for my first stilt walking appearance. It was such a phenomenal display of talent, I was working non stop so unfortunately didn't get to see all of it but the evening show was just amazing. I LOVED performing my silks act to the audience. Hearing the laughter and screams at Natalia's faux "falls" is just one of the best feelings. It was an honour to perform alongside some of the best variety acts the Uk has to offer and some of the top burlesque acts in the world. I also had the privilege of getting some top unicycle tips from the master of the gentleman unicycle strip, Count Adriano Fettucini. I have vowed to keep up my practice and hope to get idling before the year is out (that means rocking in place).The Sunday was another full day of hosting and performing with Headstrung to the delighted laughter of children and parents alike. 

Below some highlights from my trip. Top two photos by InaGlo Photography, bottom photo of Natalia and Beastonce by John Henry Cosby. The event was organised by Neil Kendall of Goldust productions and I felt very proud to be invited along to be part of it. 

So this week has been all about keeping up with training, singing practice, listing items for sale, preparing for London Burlesque Festival and doing a rather odd but fun private gig in Stafford for some Nuclear Physicists! 

I thought having no day job would feel like I have so much more time but actually, I have filled it all so much that it seems like there is still no time at all! I have to admit, I've already been looking at part time regular jobs, Costa, small cafes. It is scary, to think, I don't know if I can make enough money to pay my bills. I'm not going to lie, if you are thinking of going freelance you need to know the truth! But perhaps I'm being too hasty and just trying to cover myself. It has only been 2 weeks and I am notoriously "safe", which is why this decision has taken so long in the first place! I'm trying to resist the urge but as I type this a "normal" CV is lurking in the corner of my screen ready to be worked on. Must try to resist normality.......But the rest of the month is busy with shows and projects and I'm delighted to be volunteering for Physical Fest in Liverpool and taking part in some of the fantastic workshops on offer. Check them out at www.physicalfest.com! 

To try and plan my "working" week I've been devising exercise programmes and lists, oh so many to do lists. To clean, to train, to sew, to plan, to exercise, to write, to sing. The shower has never been so musical (multi tasking, cleaning AND singing). I hope to put together some sort of 80s montage of what a newly self employed person gets up to with their suddenly free time.Stay tuned for that one...

I'm very excited for the next few weeks, I have plenty of shows booked in, a brand new big prop to pick up on Monday, an interview for an extras agency, a bit of teaching work, a LOT of new acts to work on and ....hope! (the most important thing for a self employed person to have). Also watching day time TV and sewing is like a dream come true. I could do it forEVER!

Dear single reader, I shall endeavour to keep you informed with the highs and the lows of life as a drifting artiste, whether you want to hear them or not. Till next time, tatty bye! 

 

So yes, it has been quite a while since my last "weekly" blog (oops). But I have a good excuse. I have been super busy doing shows and circus training, and it has been a reet laugh! 

So from the title of this blog you can probably guess what I've been doing a lot of over the last few weeks. And for the first time in my life I'm gradually learning to accept that falling and failing really aren't the demons we perceive them to be. I'll start with unicycle, since unicycle is as good a start as any. 

It is the hardest thing I've ever tried, ever. Which is one of the reasons why I feel so determined to do it. I'm stubborn like that. I don't take it lightly when an inanimate object threatens to best me. 

Below is a picture of some of the bruises from my efforts (sorry pretty boring for you but I was very proud!)

You can see a lovely pedal mark on the back of my leg! Since I took this picture I have learned the art of falling without injury (mostly) and also that falling off is really not so bad. Which is something that can really be applied to most things in life! A bit cheesy but it really is like Alfred saying to Bruce Wayne "Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up" (Or something like that, you might have to geek police me on that one). I've been doing a bit of unicycle practice every day for the past three weeks and I have definitely improved. If only by a teeny amount (up to about five turns of the pedals before falling)! Yesterday I fell off 60 time before 10am, today 70 times before 10am. So just in those two days that's 130 falls closer to not falling off, and I'm not so scared to fall anymore. I have actually found a moment of balance and it feels like flying! I have never experienced moving forward so smoothly and fast without holding on to something with my arms. 

So that was both a lot of falling and a lot of failing. Clown was also something that has made me experience failing. It is quite daunting to put yourself on a stage in front of friends with nothing and, just using the power of your brain, make something to entertain right there and then. But I am very slowly learning to be OK with being a flop! Because what is the worst that can happen? No-one laughs, you feel like a failure, but this is clown! The unending optimism of the clown means that he/she can try ANYTHING on that stage. If it is crap, is not so bad! We try again, and again, until we find something that works. If you can be at ease in your failure and eager to try again, the audience will be so much more with you.

With this in mind I invented Horatio Crapjuggler to mask my lack of juggling ability.

Here is his first incarnation. He comes from a small island off the coast of Spain. He is the third best juggler on the whole island. There are two other people living on the island. Magdalene, she has one arm and Pablo, he is blind. Every time he catch a ball a puppy, a baby duck and a kitten make friends, someone take a picture for a whimsical calendar! Every time he drop a ball a kitten die. But obviously there is a way to bring the deceased kittens back to life with juggling! (please note, no kittens, imaginary or real were harmed in the conception of this character, and yes I can now juggle three balls.....a bit)

On the burlesque front the first part of my new big prop arrived and I was very excited! 

Here I am looking rather chuffed in my undersized oversized bowl! The base is now in construction and I have some bookings already. It is the most ambitious idea I have had yet and requires me to get a good deal stronger but until I get the prop I don't really know what exactly I can do with it! A good deal of exploration and playing will be involved in the act development, I can't wait! I had a pole class tonight to help with my ideas. Ow, much falling and failing there too! But also some success, which was satisfying though painful.

I Have also done three fantastic shows since the last post. Two of which I was rehearsing brand new songs for. I've literally had the same playlist on repeat in my car two hours a day, every day for about 6 weeks. But it paid off! Fist off Natalia hosted the Martini Lounge on the 22nd of Feb. The acts were all fantastic and the show ended with a beautiful romantic surprise as Ed Muir proposed to my good friend and the show's creator Millie Dollar! There were tears of joy all round and I felt very honoured to be in on it and in the presence of such a magic moment!

The following week Natalia was up to her old aerial tricks at The Gilded Merkin. It was the lowest venue I have done the act in so far but luckily after some tech rehearsals I found it was plenty safe. In fact the audience were so close I could see their look of terror on the first drop and hear the gasps! Which was great fun. The acts were all fantastic and I got to watch a lot from the balcony. I love working with friends backstage and my comedy muse Abigail Collins tied the whole show together with her hilarious Peggy Sued character, which was a real treat to see first hand!

The following weekend I went straight from my dance class Friday morning to the airport and Natalia's first International booking. She was doing hosting, singing and silks so there was a lot to focus on but I was really pleased with how it all went. The audience loved the drunken silks antics and every act (again) was totally pant wettingly amazing. I was soooo well looked after and got to hang backstage with some new faces. All of whom I hope to work with again soon. The standard of acts was astonishing! Pictured here are Coco Deville, Erochica Bamboo, Kitten n' Lou and Natalia. Eliza Delite was also part of the line up and we had a lovely time catching up. 

I would love to mention all the acts I saw but I guess that makes for a pretty drawn out blog and it is already crammed with my ramblings of the past three weeks! But in general, it has been a jam packed, brilliant few weeks. I've met some amazing people, worked with proper chums and really come to embrace failure as not a step away from success but in fact a step closer to it. The more failures I get under my belt, the less I have left to experience before success! 

Well I can't believe how quickly this week has gone! I started the week with a full day of clown. I was quite nervous as I have done some clown workshops before and it can be quite an upsetting art to practice if you are a bit over sensitive (like me). It turned out to be a great day of fun group games and learning about the importance of breathing. I learnt that when you don't breathe properly, the audience don't and the tension prohibits laughter. It is actually almost impossible to laugh with no air in your lungs. Going on stage by myself and just breathing was pretty nerve racking though! Tension is certainly something I have to work on. Highlights of the day for me included playing a very fun version of grandma's footsteps, in which to reach grandma we had to step on to and over a chair and shout insults at her when we were on it. "Wrinkly ball bag" got a few laughs! And watching everyone play the bafflement game in pairs was lovely. It was great to really laugh with the group and I feel we are starting to become a wee circus family.

In Burlesque news, I had a meeting about a big prop for a new acrobatic style act for Natalia. Exciting times! The wheels are in motion for my "crap" Martini glass. I literally cannot wait to start work on this one, but I'm going to have to be much stronger so I'm trying to train as much as I can whilst on the course which lead to....

A morning of of manipulation, an afternoon of acro and an acro evening class. Getting home at 11pm then a morning of attempted tight wire and unicycle, another afternoon of acro and some rehearsal of my silks act. After that all I can say is....(quietly, too much movement likely to pull a muscle if there were any left unpulled!) ooooowwww!

Below is me stuck in the corner on the unicycle. I spent a lot of time in that corner. I also fell on my bum and hit my shins with the peddles. We don't love each other yet.

So I was super achey mid week and I am not the super springy, bouncy full of energy type but after a quiet but stern word with myself I convinced myself to do ten minutes of juggling practice. The thing is, constantly failing at something becomes quite addictive, oh I dropped the ball, oh I'll try again, oh I dropped the ball, I'll try again, "Fuck you ball!" (you get the picture). Sometimes this constant failing will reduce me to a sulky grump bum, but quite often it will enrage me enough to just keep doing it, over, and over, and over. So 10 minutes turned into 45 and for a split second I felt like my body had actually got a pattern on the go and I actually felt a wave of euphoria and exclaimed "haha!" out loud to the no-one else that was in the room. Yes you heard me right, euphoria, from throwing and catching two balls for a few seconds. Ridiculous. This is circus my friends. This is the addiction, little victories. There are also frustrating, tear inducing times, but these only make the little victories even better. So now I'm a two baller. Next week, we try three....

I decided to set some goals I wanted to achieve at the end of the course

1.A good full front split on one side
2. Juggling three balls for at least a few minutes
3. flipping a manipulation hat onto my head (not just by fluke!)
4. Hold a handstand for ten seconds
5. Ride a unicycle a bit (this one seems the most impossible, sitting on one you think oh I'm going to fall backwards, no forwards, argh I can also go sideways! Getting this one might just make me feel invincible)

So this has been a week of setting goals and planning for the future. If you look at something and think, there is no way I can ever do that, you never know. Practice and perseverance are the only way there, but your body is a clever thing and it will learn patterns. You just have to trust in repetition! Balls always terrified me at school (oh the puns, we've already been through many "I'm getting my balls out", ") and my hands still are trying to get used to the idea of catching instead of letting the ball fall limply off my fingers. So the idea of one day juggling seemed impossible, but now, now I've got my two balls on the move I can conquer the world! (no not really but yes, I'm pleased with my tiny amount of progress, I hope I haven't spoken to soon and hit a ball wall...)

Please note: Proper jugglers practice much, much, much more than me. Please only take up juggling if you have the time to love your balls. Balls have feelings too.

Thursday was a full day of aerial and I got a real buzz showing my new friends moves on the silks. Starting to think I might really enjoy teaching. 

Friday was a morning of dance followed by a silks rehearsal and a drive down to Northampton for Be Barb Burlesque's "Groovy Kind of Love" at the Picturedrome. It was a sold out show with a most fantastic line up. I was lucky enough to be able to watch quite a lot of the acts and had a great time performing. 

Now it's back to song practice (ready for The Martini Lounge on Saturday in Liverpool, see you there?) spraying pigeon wings gold, making a three headed jumper (why the hell not?) and maybe.....some more juggling practice, "Fuck you ball!" 

Well, it has been a very long time since I have blogged. I have been rubbish, but I'm sure anyone reading this can familiarise with the intention to get things done never quite matching up to actually doing things. So.....I've run away to the circus. 

Quite literally. I decided some time ago that working a full time job and trying to juggle my creative pursuits was just not working. Something had to be done, so I set myself the goal of saving up for a three month circus course in Sheffield. I spent nine months waiting for the audition to come round and when I got in I knew my life would become very different indeed.

So that was it, I said goodbye to my lovely secure full time job in vintage clothing, packed many bags and drove my little tin can Mini to Sheffield last Sunday. I have just completed my first week on the course and I've had a great time so far. So the fun stuff first.....I have played, jumped, stretched, rolled around on the floor, attempted to juggle, relay raced as all kinds of animals, laughed, danced, been on a tight wire, got funky on stilts, stuck my tongue out and gone bleeeuuuurrrr, made new friends, balanced, cartwheeled, forward rolled, backward rolled, and squealed on a trapeze. Phew! And I was absolutely knackered. 

Above is a picture of me playing around at lunchtime. Hopefully I'll be able to straighten my body out here and lift off that left arm by the end of the course but yeah, lunchtime. Because this is a place where people can't finish their lunch fast enough so they can continue to practice and learn new circus skills. Awesome. 

This is my training space for the next eleven weeks. It used to be a church and has all sorts of fantastical aerial equipment stored on the ceiling. 

The only negatives from my experience so far are the very painful muscles I had on Friday. I do have a tendency to push myself and damage my muscles so despite carefully warming down after avery session and stretching beforehand, I still managed to make a mess of myself. Sunday evening now and I'm almost feeling back to normal. Also, I was exhausted. I still get up around the same time as I did for my day job as I have an hour to drive and like to get in early. I had all sorts of ideas about getting so much done in the evenings but the reality is I might stay later to train or I can't motivate myself. 

Self motivation is really important with circus. I'd always thought of myself as quite self motivated, until I met circus people. The title of our end of course show is to be "Obsession", which is very apt for such a course. The things I have no experience in already, like juggling, simply cannot be learnt in one lesson a week for three months. We must practice every day. So far I've kept this up, even if just for ten minutes. I am still on one ball. We were taught if you keep failing at one stage of juggling, go back to the previous stage, until it is perfect. So I'm still on stage one! Homework for juggling is to not only practice but find a clip of someone doing some manipulation that really inspires you. As soon as I was set this task I knew immediately who I would choose. The one and only Mat Ricardo! The only trouble will be choosing which of Mat's fantastic routines to show the class, here is one for starters.

I absolutely love how slick this routine is but I am under no illusion that it is something that anyone can learn. I've always been a bit afraid of balls (ooh er!). At school I would always choose to be some fielder in a place where the ball was least likely to end up. My left hand especially seems to reject the idea of catching. I just let the ball hit my hand and roll sadly to the floor. 

So, things I cannot do at all this week. Juggling. Walking a tight rope. Riding a Unicycle. Hopefully I will see some progress in the coming weeks!

Another thing I've had to get used to is being away from my home and my husband. I'm a proper home bird and always struggle to be away for any length of time. It's been an emotional few weeks, leaving a job I've been in for six years, leaving home knowing I will hardly see my husband for three months. The change and leaving behind has probably been the hardest part of my decision but I realised I was heading towards 30 and not really happy that I wasn't making a living as a self employed creative person. It is NEVER too late to change what you are doing with your life, no matter what age you are or what you are doing. I must admit though the below clip from Wayne's World has been going round and round in my head for the past few weeks!

Well that's it for this week. Tomorrow I launch into a day of clown (scary! But fun) and then I'm off to meet a man to discuss a potential big prop.....stay tuned folks, what will next week bring?! Exciting times my friends.

So some of you may already be aware of a strange drunken Russian woman who has been appearing on my Facebook page. I thought now would be a good time to put all of her antics into a blog so you can see what she's about. Actions speak louder than words so watch the vid below to see some clips from an exclusive interview about her past life.

The 12th of April saw her triumphant return to the stage at Bang Tidy Burlesque's Spring Fling at the Bradford Playhouse. She went down a storm with one audience member stating "The world premiere of Natalia Kalashnikov, an alter ego of Velma Von Bon Bon, stunned us with her aerial work. I’d seen performers wrap themselves in ribbons and perform death-defying drops before, but never this close and never live. It was captivating! Never have I laughed and gasped so often in the space of a few sensational minutes." You can read the full review here http://theculturevulture.co.uk/blog/reviews/theatre/burlesque-in-bradford-boobs-bums-a-bloody-good-laugh/ and also another great review at http://www.digyorkshire.com/HighlightDetails.aspx?Article=1660&AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1#.UX0BEDnBFFI. It was a really fantastic show and all the acts were top notch. Keep up to date with more Bang Tidy Burlesque shows at http://www.bangtidyburlesque.co.uk/ You can catch a video of her performance here!

I also got to do a shoot with the very talented Neil Kendall. I got some great new shots of me and Fandango the flamingo so stay tuned for an updated gallery soon! Natalia also decided to get some shots done and had a fantastic time cavorting in front of the lens for Neil. You can see some of the results below. To see more of Neil's fantastic work give his Facebook page a like to stay updated https://www.facebook.com/NeilKendallPhotographer?fref=ts

Natalia will be making her compering debut tonight at Embryo, 81 Renshaw Street, details of the event here https://www.facebook.com/events/520218998019188/?fref=ts
She will be playing host to a fantastic range of Liverpool talent including comedy, music, and burlesque. Pop down and be entertained! Starts at 8pm only £2! If you can't make it Natalia's next performance will be at The Blue Stocking Lounge in Carmarthen at the Lyric theatre on the 18th of May and then The Martini lounge Liverpool at the Epstein theatre on June 22nd. Don't miss out! But first exciting times as I prepare for The London Burlesque Festival, please support me by giving me a like here! http://londonburlesquefest.com/lbf-2013-performer/velma-von-bon-bon I will be performing in the opening Gala on the 10th of May and the Sexy Circus Sideshow on the 17th of May, not to be missed! Next blog to chart my preparations for this massive event, stay tuned folks. . . . 

So I finally got round to filming the tiny bit of film that is my second splits blog. Sorry it took so long I've been really busy um, stretching. I did have a very stretchy week last week doing a 2 hour stretch workshop at Mello Mello in their dance studio Tilt, which you can find on Facebook here https://www.facebook.com/TiLTDance?fref=ts 
I also managed to stretch every day for nearly a week until Thursday when Easter happened and yeah, I got distracted. So I don't think I've come much further since the last update but I have noticed a wee improvement. I have been using a cushion to stretch for over splits, as a lot of people have recommended. It's great as it also provides some comfort for that front leg and is easier to sink down. I'm absolutely going to have to up my game though as time is ticking away and I've still got those pesky inches of space between my crotch and the floor! Damn those inches. 
So yeah, here it is. 

Natalia decided she wanted to do it for me so this is a little peek of her. She is my drunk Russian friend, we are both getting bendy together. My next blog is going to be dedicated to her as I have promo film, and some very exciting new shots by the super talented Neil Kendall to post up, as well as exclusive rehearsal footage. So please, keep checking, she's coming! All in the build up towards her big debut at Bang Tidy Burlesque on the 12th of April in Bradford, tickets available here http://www.bangtidyburlesque.co.uk/ourshop/ 

So I finally got round to filming my first splits blog. It's nowt special, just so you can actually see where I'm starting this journey from. It may seem like I'm pretty close to the floor already BUT I have been this close for a good long while now and it's the hardest push! It is also mighty painful. So here I am, a bit sweaty and dishevelled but meh! 

So this is where it begins. . .where it will end no-one knows (but hopefully in the splits!). If you want to try this at home make sure you are properly warmed up before you go sliding your feet as far away from each other as it is possible to get. Or you may end up with a nasty groin injury, I've sure had my share! I will be showing some stretches and methods I've been using to help along the way in my next blog. All helpful comments totally welcome, I'm open to suggestions. Please also feel free to share your experiences of trying to get bendy. I've been at this trying to get bent lark for two years, it's a lonely old slog. Tatty bye for now, I shall return in a few weeks with further news of my crotch's proximity to the floor, I bet you can't flippin' wait. 

Helloooo! So my latest news is. . . (drum roll please). . . I have a website! It's only taken me three years to get round to doing it (um, yeah, well I've been working hard on some amazing costumes in that time)! 

I guess what's really kicked me into gear is being accepted to be part of the London Burlesque Festival. I've always known I needed more of an online presence but now I have my own profile page on the website and folks, I need your help to look popular! If you could be ever so kind as to give me a like on this page (only if you actually like me of course, there's no need to lie) then perhaps I can make it into a "One to Watch" which would be most awesome! Just click here http://londonburlesquefest.com/lbf-2013-performer/velma-von-bon-bon to give me a boost!

I am also setting myself a new challenge. Since I am performing alongside Catherine D'Lish on the 17th of May in the Sexy Circus Sideshow at the London Burlesque Festival, I really wanted to give my monkey routine a bit of something extra to finish on so. . . . I'm going to attempt to end it in the splits!

Now, I cannot do the splits, I have been trying to do the splits for well over a year to no avail. But now my friends, now is the time to start a video blog of my attempts to crack them! Anyone wishing to join me in this challenge, please join away and let me know how you're getting on. Alone we can be perhaps a little bendy, but together, together my friends we can be PROPER BENDY!!!! Raaaaarrrgh!!!! If you're with me say Aye! 

Please stay tuned for post number one. I will gladly try out any suggestions people may have (just comment on this blog), no matter how silly. In fact, the sillier the better, life is for laughing.